Out of body hearts

Today I want to talk about the heart, specifically mine.

Science tells us it is a hollow organ in the body that pumps blood through our circulatory system. It is a muscle. Depending on the type of mind one has, he or she may walk away satisfied with this definition. Some could continue reading their science journal or text book until they got an extensive scientific definition and understanding of the heart. Others may want to find out the emotional definition and value of a heart. I am among "the others".  I am a Christian. I am not religious. They are two different things.

The heart is even more crucial to our lives and survival than science tells us or can even fathom. The Bible says "For out of the abundance of the heart his (yours, mine, our) mouth speaks".  Luke 6:45. This is also true about actions. Our actions begin in the heart. Good or bad. In the Biblical book of Proverbs 4:23 it says, "Keep (guard) your heart with all diligence,  for out of it spring the issues of life".  In my then 24th year on this planet, I had been through rejection, civil war, been a refugee, had been through poverty in more ways than financially, abused in many ways and had many other painful experiences and circumstances that had more or less shaped my heart. I ended up depressed, very angry and lost by the time I was a teen and young adult. Being the person I am, I took it out on myself and others who pushed too hard to get under my skin. I felt I had no other choice.

The Bible, which I now see as "Life's manual" tells us to "diligently guard our hearts...."! Without God, the heart remains a product of it's past. Wounded, bitter and full of debris. Imagine living out of such a heart? Many think the heart and the mind are so different but the truth is, our thoughts are based on the condition of our hearts and therefore "...out of it springs the issues of life". As painful and as overwhelming as my life had been, I found out that the greatest power in the whole world was not anger or hate or revenge or money or any of the things that I had first felt would make me feel powerful. The strongest power in the world is LOVE and God is Love. God was ready for me and there is no escape from Him.

With a heart full of debris, I became pregnant, got married and settled down or so I thought. While pregnant, I was confronted with how unprepared and wrong I was to be a parent and finally what I had not been prepared to do for years, I finally had to do. I stopped and looked in the mirror (the word of God). What I saw was not pretty! I saw the debris. I saw the unhealed wounds, the scars from wrong choices and the baggage that I had ignored and pushed down for so long. I stared and I grew scared, not for me but for the precious and innocent child growing inside me! Recently I read an authors point of view on being a parent. He said "Becoming a parent is allowing your heart to go walking outside of your body"! Can any parent relate to the feeling of a powerful and strong love that will see you make the hard decisions to protect, guard and help your child!? All those years ago I made that decision. No one could get to me. No one could correct me. I did not believe anyone loved me not even God so I had gone my own way for years but boy, when that “other heart” began to grow in my womb, a pure innocent and beautiful heart, I made the hardest choice ever. I stopped and looked at myself and after being terrified of what I saw and how it would damage my new heart, my son, I knew what I had to do.

For myself, it was OK putting God on the shelf, ignoring Him, believing He did not care anyway and blaming Him for my troubles if He even existed, but I could not take that chance with this new heart! Without anymore pride or reservation, I begged God that if He really existed, if He really cared and was what the Bible said He was, to heal me and help me be the parent I had no idea or training to be! Like I said before, LOVE was the key! Love for my son. When we ask in Faith or desperation (either one will do. Faith is cultivated over time), God always provides. I started seeking God with all my heart and eventually after 3 years, I was found by a lovely elderly lady who counseled and prayed for me for years. She still does. She is like my adopted Mother.

The rest is history. God took my request seriously! I believe He had set it up to begin with! He had given me this child! He had my number and knew I would make that request and be serious about it. I was fixated on my son’s welfare and will always be but He is fixated on all of us because He loves us all!  Pulling debris from the heart was excruciatingly painful, difficult and took time and dedication. Without God, it would have been impossible for me to change and become a loving parent and human being however, God is faithful and He carried us through and by His Grace, I stayed the course! My Son, my new, beautiful, innocent and pure heart is now almost 11 years old and goes walking outside my body every day! He’s the happiest, most cheerful, generous, kind and exuberant person I know! My own heart now is almost as innocent and beautiful as he is! We have a good and blessed life and my husband and I are expecting our beautiful, bouncy baby girl in 7 weeks! Life has never been better. God can do all things!

If you have made the decision to know God, I would like to encourage you to stay the course! It’s the most important thing you can ever do and it will bring about the best version of you no matter how bad the past has damaged and hurt your heart. Once, I was a product of my past and I had no idea on how to “diligently keep” my heart when it was dashed to the ground, wounded and infected by those who should have been my loved ones and carers. I had been wounded while in the womb, as a toddler, a young child, an older child, a teenager when those who were supposed to be my support, comfort, teachers and providers failed me. I became a young adult and I still did not have a clue on how to “diligently keep my heart” or that it was even worth “keeping” but it was.

My parents, unlike me had not asked God to help them raise me. They had not taken the time to look at themselves, see their lack, ask God for help and been dedicated to the process. For this I forgive them. The past is the past and cannot be erased but we have one who would like to heal us if we let Him. If you let Jesus in, He’ll help you stay the course and bring you to a good future. “For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope”! Jeremiah 29:11

What is impossible for man is possible for God.


Audra

Introductions: Me in a nut shell.

For a long time I have been wanting to write. As strong as the urge is to purge myself from the words that crowd my waking and sleeping hours and the hours in between, there is something holding me back.

Is it fear? Fear of rejection? Fear of not finding an audience? Will I discover that I am truly alone in more ways than I thought? Will my blog be riddled with replies from angry and foul mouth readers? Will I carry their words with me as I generally do? The answer may be all of the above or none of the above. What matters to me is that I do write.

The fear of the future, the unknown and what might happen is so tiresome. So I let go and choose to have faith in the God I claim to have faith in. The above may or may not happen. The point is when my time here ends, I need to say "I did it"!

So whether I am popular or not, whether you agree or not, whether I misspelled words, have poor grammar or have too much of a limited view for your taste, here I am. If anything touches you, please comment. I try really hard to live by the rule, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"! If I must have my say, then so must you. This is who I am in a nut shell.

Welcome to my blog.

Audra